[Taken, yet again, from his collection of writings Things Snowball which Asda are currently knocking out for £3-something, and which I DEMAND you all get]
"I probably don't need to explain who Garth Brooks is but, just for the record, he's a four-foot-one hick. In country music terms he's what's called a Hat Act. He wears a massive cowboy hat and a studded black and white shirt, which resembles Regency linoleum tiles glued to his chubby, weeble-like torso. He sings synthetic, molasses-laden, diabetes-inducing country shmaltz tunes about 'a Bull no one could ride' and having friends in 'low places'. He claims to be faithful to his wife (turns out he isn't) and habitually photo-ops himself with sick kids whilst rendering corn-pone axioms like 'a man never stands so tall as when he stoops to help a child'. I got news for you, Garth. You're forty-nine inches high. You'll never stand tall, full stop."
"... Where Garth excels is in his masterful and evincing command of metaphors. For example:
She had a need to feel the thunder
To chase the lightning from the skies
To watch the storm, with all its wonder
Raging in her lover's eyes.
From what I can gather, the woman he's singing about seems to be a meteorologist. Anyone who has 'a need to chase lightning' should be kept at arm's length, as far as I'm concerned. Those lyrics are from a song called 'That Summer' which, from what I can gather, chronicles Garth's teenage dalliance with an older woman.
She was a lonely widow woman
Hell bent to make it on her own
We were a thousand miles from nowhere
Wheat fields as far as I could see
Both needin' something from each other
Not knowin' what that might be.
I know. A car. A vehicle of some sort to facilitate their escape from the Sea of Wheat.
This scenario makes one question Garth's romantic motives. Did he really fancy her? Or was he just another horny teenager a thousand miles form anywhere, stranded beside some nutty prairie widow with a lightning rod on her head?
...What is Garth Brooks' appeal? He posesses none of the plaintive evocation of Hank Williams, the broke-down bottlehowl of George Jones, not an ounce of the tainted blood that flows through real country music. Garth saccharinised country music to make it palatable to a generation of 4-Wheel-Drive Shopping Mall Forages, whose idea of rusticity is pouring Ranch Dressing on their salads."
Chapters which made me lie awake snort-giggling to myself most of the night include:
'Waltzing the Ladder'
'Great Jokes Squandered'
'Go Home and Practise' (narrated supposedly by an embittered guitar teacher. kuang, I thought you'd like that bit, especially ;) )
'Joo-joo eyeball' - a plaintive cry on behalf of the people who do not understand cryptic crosswords (myself, that would be) and includes a brilliant idea to drive smug cryptic crossword solvers to suicide.
'Gumball Minutes' - the imagined minutes of the Penny Gumball Machine Company's annual stockholders meeting.
Oh, lots of stuff.
Rich Hall is twisted, savage and sarcastic as hell. I'd invite him to tea anytime :D