Pram-faced bits of scrag-end carrying ludicrously obvious fake replicas of Louis Vuitton or Burberry bags.
Just what do they take us for, hmm? Are we to lower our sunglasses to drink in the full horror of their bobbled velour tracksuited appearance, only to rest upon one of those handbags and think: "Oh well, I had thought you were a crusty piece of nothingness... but now I see you are carrying a GENUINE DESIGNER BAG. I must have been completely wrong! Please forgive me, oh style icon, oh fashionista queen!"
Oh for goodness sake, pull yourselves together wimmin. You may have flipped through Hello! at the hairdressers and seen pictures of Tara-ra-ra-boom-di-ay (or whatever the bloody hell she's called) and her braying cohorts clutching these vile accessories in their desperate, grasping claws... but here's the thing: They can afford to spend £1,000 and upwards on a bag which has a fashion life of precisely three days. You can't and we all know you can't.
You have gone dahn-the-maaaaarkit and purchased your copy from a "any 3 bags for a fivah" stall. You shall not be wafted through the golden doors of Celebrity World with that on your arm, dear, no matter how hard you try to pull it off as the real thing. It wouldn't fool a lamb. Come to that, it wouldn't fool a particularly stupid blind lamb.
You see this type of thing advertised on ebay all the time. The blurb usually reads something like: "[not] LouisVuitton Burberry Desinger CHEAP!" NOT real? You're kidding me, right? At £4.35 I assumed it must have been real, that you must have been a multi-millionairess selling off her treasured collection of designer handbags!
The funniest thing of all is the fact that the genuine articles, the real Louis Vuitton & Burberry bags you so crave.... THEY are hideous, too. There are lots of bags in the world you know, some gorgeous ones that cost more than most people own in a year, some gorgeous ones available for very reasonable prices.
How about you search deep down and try to buy something you actually like, something a bit more unique than a jumble-sale outcast from Posh Spice's trash pile, something that Hello! hasn't told you that you "MUST HAVE!" Vanessa Feltz carries them around like some kind of security blanket: "Look, look everyone! My husband dumped me and I lost my TV show and I'm starting to pile the weight back on... but I can afford this horrible bag! I must be successful after all!" I mean for Christ's sake, have some dignity.
Oh, and whilst you're about it, credit us with a semblance of intelligence, too.
I mean really.
N.B:The other day a tatty leaflet was pushed through the letterbox proclaiming the 'Grand Opening' of Dominic's Pizza Place Yes, Dominic's. Sounds suspiciously like Domino's, that, eh? Hmm. Well the people who buy these horrid fake bags are, I imagine, the walking equivallent of a Dominic's pizza: cheap, tasteless and the real thing ain't even all that to begin with.